My distaste for conflict is profound and thinking about it
makes me uncomfortable, even from the safety of my desk chair. Luckily I do
much better with conflict once in the moment and work through the situation as
needed. Often I have two sides, polar opposites, to how I deal with conflict.
Avoidance, in order not to deal with conflict, is sadly my
most preferred state. If I could hide under a rock until it passes I would be
relatively pleased with that accommodation. Then there is the other side of the
coin, the aggressive side, where I will eat you as a snack on the way to
breakfast. While it can be effective, I simply do not like the forcing approach
to winning battles. I do not feel that burning bridges or creating enemies is a
long-term approach, nor is it very kind.
Most of the time I can maintain harmonious encounters with
others by being a perpetual fact-finder and listening carefully to the needs of
others as a proactive measure. This is probably a defense mechanism to
perpetuate my further avoidance of conflict. I like to think of it as a
testament to my emotional intelligence. One area that I am at a loss is
expressing my needs. Sometimes it seems easier to suffer in silence.
Not long ago I had a conflict with someone who was not only
a friend but also a colleague and classmate. We were in a group together which
entailed putting together a presentation. Initially, she expressed to the team
that she would like to do the graphics, and I would be well suited to do the
script and voice over. The remaining team was welcome to provide input into the
script or any other aspects, but they were mainly tasked with completing the
accompanying paper. She assured me that we could get together and work on both
of our parts simultaneously.
As the deadline approached, the plan started to change. She
mentioned she would work at her house and send me the project so that I could
record the voice over on my own. I genuinely disliked this because I started to
feel that I had been tapped to take on a large role that was not originally my
idea. I could have been working on the paper with the rest of the team. The
project seemed confusing to me initially, and I started to feel overwhelmed. I
was quite upset and was on the verge of a mini meltdown. I considered doing
nothing. I also considered blowing up. I decided to wait a few hours until I
felt calmer. I also took a moment to think that since we were communicating by
instant message that maybe there was a miscommunication. She is really
important to me and not just because I saw her every day in the office. I knew
I needed to handle this the right way.
I went over to her desk and was pretty upfront yet gentle. I
told her that our last communication left me feeling stressed out and worried.
I explained how I felt more assured that we planned to do our parts together to
support each other and with the change of plan I felt unhappy. Luckily through
my transparency of feelings she understood that I wanted to work together, and
we found a way to move forward and make it possible. It was not her intention
to change the plan necessarily. The result could have been a lot worse if some
things went wrong prior to working out the conflict together. Ultimately our
project turned out to be high quality and something we both ended up being
proud of, and our team was excited about it, too!
Whetten & Cameron (2011) note that the avoiding approach
results in a lose-lose approach. Had I took this route I would have ended up
allowing my hurt feelings to fester and the outcome of our project may have
been different and not as great as it was. Conversely, the collaborating
approach is known as the problem-solving approach that requires cooperation and
assertive behavior. While this approach is not appropriate for all situations,
it was beneficial in this particular application (Whetten & Cameron, 2011).
Because we were able to discuss the problem with empathy and she allowed me to
share my side of the story we were able to use negotiation, of sorts, to
conquer the conflict (Conflict Resolution, 2008).
Once I got over myself, I was able to go to my colleague
face to face to work toward gaining what I needed both personally and for the
project. This was a positive experience for me to see that conflict does not
have to be so miserable. The best part is we had a fabulous time working
together in that kind of creative environment and it strengthened our
friendship. Conflict is not necessarily about getting your way or about being
resolved by being a doormat; it is about expressing the problem and working to
find a solution that works for the parties involved.
References:
Conflict Resolution - Part 1. (2008, February 10). Retrieved
August 18, 2015, from
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2GWmDUKF3o&feature=youtu.be
Whetten, D. & Cameron, K. (2011). Developing management
skills (8th ed.). Upper Saddle River, NJ: Prentice Hall
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