I tend to dislike conflict and have made a strange habit of
trying to avoid it whenever possible. This is not the healthiest approach to
dealing with something that is simply part of life and our existence with each
other. If my restaurant order is messed up, I would rather eat it than say
anything. I can let most stuff go. I try to be friendly, peaceable, and
respectful to others, it is something I pride myself in. Because of my
introverted nature, when I am home I like to hide out in my little hermit cave
and do not interact with others much. In the past my previous neighbors have
jokingly referred to us as ghost neighbors because it is rare to even see us,
let alone hear a peep from us. We rarely even have anyone over to our house.
We bought our house almost five years ago in a brand new
neighborhood, so all of the houses were finished around the same time and
everyone moved into their homes around the same time. Our house is on a small
lot, but is a great starter home. Other friends have mentioned how they could
not stand to live in a “pick-a-plan” neighborhood on top of each other. We have
lived in apartments and condos before so having a little yard and a three
bedroom house did not seem on top of anyone to us. When we are inside I do not
even notice outside noise so I just happily live in my little bubble. Two or
three years in our house the unexpected happened… our neighbors started
screaming at us while we were outside doing yard work. Suddenly I see my
neighbor red faced, cursing loudly at Trey. We didn’t even respond immediately
because we were so stunned, we just looked at each other bewildered. The
cursing continued. It was not directed at me, but rather my boyfriend. I use
the boyfriend as the best term available; we have been together almost ten
years.
Trey is such a kind and polite person, raised with his
southern manners. He gets flustered with words and also does not deal with
conflict that well. I am better with words and am also very protective. Hearing
the neighbor scream at him made me jump into warrior mode, I was not going to
stand for this. If anyone is going to yell at him it will be me and no one
else! All jokes aside, I made a beeline to my neighbor so that we were face to
face, divided by a four foot HOA approved white plastic fence. I was not going
to curse at him or scream, but I asked sternly, “Excuse me?” to my belligerent
neighbor. When I was met with yelling it was difficult not to come back with a
strong tone. When you communicate it is important to say what you mean, but do
it in a positive tone. This is all that may be needed to prevent a conflict
from beginning (Lynch, 1997). Though Lynch’s suggestion is primarily based upon
a Human Resources conflict, there is a universal truth that is applicable
outside of the workplace. We need to treat each other with respect and approach
can be everything. I would like to mention that this is my second neighbor
conflict in my life, the first I recently discussed in my blog post previous to
this one. I do not make a habit to have conflict with my neighbors!
With this exchange gone were the days of care and
cooperation. These were the neighbors who had a key to our house and fed our
cat when we were out of town. The same neighbors whose home we would keep an
eye one, water the plants, and collect their mail when they were away. Our dogs
would play together and we would discuss how crazy our HOA was becoming by
trying to get everyone to re-sod their yards for having weeds.
My neighbor was spouting away about our dog. It turns out
she managed to get the screen door open and went to find their dog. Amusingly
they have fence sides, but not a fence back. Lola went around the back to see
if she could play. We had no idea she got out, which is very unlike her. She is
half French bulldog, half Boston Terrier and full of love. She loves everyone.
They hit our dog, Lola, and she came flying around the fence yelping with her
tail tucked. I cannot believe dog owners would hit another dog. This is an
issue in itself I will never be able to wrap my mind around and am not okay
with, everything around it feels wrong. Although I was furious about what I
just witnessed, I apologize for her getting out and coming into their yard. Bottom
line, she is our responsibility. We watch her really closely and I am way over
protective because I imagine everything will end up killing her, which would
tear me apart. This is not typical behavior. I wished they would have just said
to us that they found Lola and to take her back inside, even added that they
really would prefer for this not to happen again or that it bothered them.
Instead we received a tirade that made no sense about her
walking the streets all day by herself and how she tramples their yard to
pieces every day. First, she is twenty pounds… I hardly believe she could
trample anything. But second, she sleeps on the couch most of the day and does
not have opposable thumbs or anyway to let herself out and put herself back in
with the door locked. The next item was to talk about me. How I was doing
certain things that bothered them. Little did they know, I had spent the last
three months away from my house and could not possibly have done what they
claimed. When I mentioned this the neighbor and his daughter said they didn’t
know that I was away. Their argument crumbled. They knew this and so did I.
Even though I had not risen my voice and we were in the backyard I could see
other neighbors had gathered to gawk at us. Lynch asserts that it is important
to focus on the problem instead of placing blame (1997).
After this they hired someone to put a two foot extension on
only our portion of the fence so they could not see us. They had their handymen
in our yard. They would stare at us from their window. When we were outside they
would run, literally run, inside. I am pretty sure they had a camera installed
outside their house. If we were outside putting up Christmas lights or doing
yard work and had to leave, they would go the long way out of the neighborhood
in order not to pass our house. But worse, this resulted in a little war of how
many times they could break my garden gnome before I could not glue it back
together any longer. They even tried reporting us to the HOA for the trampling
of their yard, but nothing was trampled. The whole thing was a sad mess.
According to the great work of Stewart Levine (2009)
conflict has a cost: direct cost, productivity cost, continuity cost, and
emotional cost. Thankfully we were not really doing anything so there was
nothing for lawyers to get involved in and this conflict did not result in
direct cost. This might have made us less productive to want to go out and do
yard work even though our HOA has high standards. The toll that this conflict
took on us was in the form of continuity, a loss of community and our
relationship with our neighbor and emotionally. It was so hard to live in a
house where I thought I was being watched and distrusted. The conflict
neighbors, the neighbors who watched, and the HOA were now watching what we
did… which was mostly drive into the garage and close it behind us only to
disappear to the confines of our home hermit style just as before. We debated
trying to move, but the direct cost was too great and we were bound
contractually to keep our home for a set number of years in order not to pay
back the tax credit. This lasted until a few months ago when finally they sold
their house without a word and moved during the middle of the day never to be
seen again. What a strange situation.
Levine also provides ten principles of new thinking in his
text Getting to resolution: Turning
conflict into resolution. He contrasts old versus new thinking. So many of
the ten could have helped us reduce the cost of our conflict. They eventually
moved, but until that point it hurt me emotionally every day to come home in
the midst of the tension. He suggests: instead of fostering conflict, which we
are both guilty of, foster sustainable collaboration. Instead of Righteous
bravado and posturing, become open. Do not shroud a situation in secrecy, but
rather disclose information and feelings. It is not about winning, but learning
through the resolution process. Finally, do not defer to professionals… in our
case the HOA, become responseAble (Levine, 2009).
If we could have met together and heard each other’s stories
and were able to get current and complete with each other would any of this
ended up like this? These are important steps in the Cycle of Resolution that
Levine developed. I think this could have prevented the misery, caused my gnome
to be around a while longer, and maybe keep them here on the street as happy
neighbors. At the very least, it could have eased the tension
tremendously. This week during my
discussion question titled A632.6.2.DQ I discussed another situation that was
riddled with conflict with a family member. Although the situations are
different, the formula to the break down and why we could not or did not get
close to reaching resolution has the same components and conditions,
interestingly enough. In either case we did not have an attitude of resolution.
We wanted to win not reach resolve (Levine, 2009). We closed ourselves off and
that is a huge problem! Our stories are important, we need to be heard but
neither time did we reach out to share them. I feel those steps in particular,
in combination with getting current and complete are pertinent to building a
new story, one that does not end in disagreement and divide while each party
harbors hateful feelings.
References:
Levine, S. (2009). Getting to resolution: Turning conflict
into resolution. (2nd edition). Williston, VT: Berrett-Koehler Publishers.
Lynch, D. (1997).
Unresolved conflicts affect the bottom line. HRMagazine, 42(5),
49-50. Retrieved from
http://search.proquest.com.ezproxy.libproxy.db.erau.edu/docview/205039081?accountid=27203
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