There is a story I like to tell people because not only do I
find it humorous but because I feel like it explains a lot about me quickly. I
met my other half in Mississippi, a place that sometimes is like stepping back
in time. Gender roles are still traditional as they might have been decades ago
and the vast majority follow closely to the same path as their peers with
little deviation. It is important to go to a good school, find a husband with a
good job so that you can have a nice home and a nice family. Your family goes
to church together and you are supposed to live happily ever after. The better
you marry makes the difference in whether you need to work. However, some women
choose to and that is okay. I have no qualm with this, though I feel
like I am looking from the outside in and am just passing through.
One of my favorite places is the Agriculture museum because
there is a cute little “old town” set up that you can walk through and even go
to the old fashion store and get throwback candies and sodas. There is a
garden, a gas station, the doctor, the general store, the school house, the
church, and maybe a couple other buildings. The first time we went I was wide
eyed and excited, it is the kind of place my imagination runs wild. I turned to
Trey and asked, “What kind of job would I have chosen?” I threw out a couple
things before settling on fire watch look out that would spend hours in the
fire tower making sure things are safe. Trey looked at me sweetly with no
malice and explained, “You would not be allowed to have a job. You would be
burned at the stake if there still was one.” He countered with, “Or at least
you would have started the women’s revolution, either way.”
I stopped abruptly on the gravel road, paused, looked around
and then smiled. Yeah, that would be me for sure! Wait, why couldn’t I have a
job? I forget what it was like for the women who came before me. But that is
me, ready to mess things up by challenging the status quo. I was raised in
Florida and feel like in general I was removed from a lot of these traditional
ideals. Maybe it was part of the environment or maybe it was to great credit of
my parents. I never felt like I was limited to what I could do in life. When I
went to college in Mississippi only then did my eyes open to the fact that the
world is still not entirely fair or equal all the time for everyone. This makes
my twitchy justice side rage.
I came across a TED talk by Sheryl Sandberg, COO of Facebook
that was recorded in 2010. The discussion was centered on why we have too few
women leaders? I was nervous about listening to it because I wondered if I
would agree or not. Some of it I can relate one million percent with and other
areas I am not sure resonate with me personally because of my choices in life.
For example, I do not have an interest in marriage (but I might one day for
legal purposes should I feel inclined) and my poor man-boyfriend of ten and a half years gets called names like partner, friend, boyfriend, manfriend,
or cohabituer (I made that up, it’s French). I am also not going to have
children. People tell me all the time I am going to change or I am going to
regret it and feel sorry when I don’t. It is funny how people can make these
assumptions about me when they cannot just jump inside and see that I have
never walked a traditional path and that is cool with me. I am not doing it to
be trendy or rebellious. I say it because I know who I am.
Because of this I probably will never have to decide between
family or career. But it makes me upset that in society we are made to feel we
have to choose. When I am asked either/or questions I always ask- why not both?
So let me ask this… why can we not have both? I get it. There are not enough
hours in the day. I see this for a colleague who recently became a mommy.
As
Sandberg (2010) suggests, women start leaning back and leave the table before they
actual leave the table. My friend and I chat about it sometimes and that is not her
intention and I think she is just going to have to find her sea legs while
balancing the new roles. I have another colleague that I am tremendous friends
with who has three children. She
explained to me that she has decided to focus on herself again which means
working out, spending time with friends, and pursuing her Master’s degree- but
people in her life make her feel selfish for these choices. “Stereotypes are
not necessarily used intentionally to harm others. However, stereotypes can
lead to discrimination in the selection and promotion of women to leadership
positions, and therefore, can be very harmful” (Rowe & Guerrero, 2013, p. 414).
So I have to ask generally, as a cynical person toward having that type
of family- why are so many people telling me this is what I need to do,
especially knowing my ambitions, if they are going to turn around and fault me
for trying to have it all and judge my parenting? Do people even realize this
is what is happening? Please do not shackle me with what I “ought” to be doing.
The peanut gallery's comments are not needed and I am not listening.
And just like we are back at square one I am ready to fight
these notions for my friends and for all the people out there that feel like
they have to choose or that they have to sit back. I am not comfortable with
these implications we impose on certain facets of life. Research shows females
respond in two ways to these stereotypes either by conforming or countering it.
“Women who are confident are more likely to engage in stereotype resistance,
and those who are less confident are more likely to assimilate to the stereotype”
(Rowe & Guerrero, 2013, p. 414). It is soon to be 2016- why are we doing
this to ourselves and others?
One of my very favorite stories from Sandberg’s talk is the
difference between her friend, herself, and her brother. They each take a class
and put in varying levels of effort. Her friend puts in the absolute most, she
puts in a lot, and the brother skirts by with a little help from each of them.
After the test both women feel like they could have done a little more. The
brother thinks he got the best grade in the class. Even boiling the story down
from its original context that sounds absurd. “The problem with these stories
is that they show what the data shows: women systematically underestimate their
own abilities” (Sandberg, 2010, n.p.).
Even though I joke that I am ready to lead a revolution I
find myself falling back into this sometimes. When I think about what is next after my Master’s I wonder if I am suffering from imposter syndrome. Am I
actually good at anything at all or have
I fooled people? Then I feel small and think maybe I should just do the same
things I have always done and fear doing something new. I sort of cannot even
picture what is next for myself if I am being entirely honest. The next logical step is maybe I should find a position
where I formally lead people. But then I wonder if I would be any good at it
and worry if I will fail. I also wonder if anyone would even listen to me? Sandberg
(2010) continues her story:
A study in the last two years of
people entering the workforce out of college showed that 57 percent of boys
entering, or men, I guess, are negotiating their first salary, and only seven
percent of women. And most importantly, men attribute their success to
themselves, and women attribute it to other external factors. If you ask men
why they did a good job, they'll say, "I'm awesome. Obviously. Why are you
even asking?" If you ask women why they did a good job, what they'll say
is someone helped them, they got lucky, they worked really hard. Why does this
matter? Boy, it matters a lot. Because no one gets to the corner office by
sitting on the side, not at the table, and no one gets the promotion if they
don't think they deserve their success, or they don't even understand their own
success. (n.p.)
Change often starts with one person at a time. Then they go
on to tell other people what they overcame and maybe inspire others to try the
same, even coaching them along the way. Heck, even if a group of people did it
together- there is room for lots of people in my opinion, this could create momentum. Someone needs to get
the ball rolling and in fact there are people out there right now trying to
make a difference. I do not see Taylor Swift sitting in a corner and
apologizing for herself. So when doubt, a poisonous emotion, creeps in I am
going to remember Sandberg’s brother and say: “I am awesome. Obviously.”
Bottom line: it is time to stop putting Baby in the corner
and finally watch her put herself in the corner office.
References:
Rowe, W. G. & Guerrero L. (2013). Cases in Leadership.
(3rd ed.). Thousand Oaks, CA. Sage Publications, Inc.
Sandberg, S. (2010, December). Why we have too few women
leaders. Retrieved December 13, 2015, from
http://www.ted.com/talks/sheryl_sandberg_why_we_have_too_few_women_leaders
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