Anyone who gets to know me should infer quickly that I am an
extremely expressive person. When I talk to students on the phone one of my
best cubicle mates sweetly laughs at me and asks me after I hang up if I am
“soooo excited”. I easily get caught up
in the positivity of cheering my students on because I want them to reach their
goals and I think being uplifted is the best way to have the energy to that. I
also get “so excited” when there are new changes that are beneficial that I
want to tell them about. I say that quite a bit. I like being excited, it is
fun and it is so much better than the alternative. I am also guilty of because I wear my emotions
all over my face, in my body language, and all over my sleeve. Poker face? I
don’t have one. There are times when I get so scared that I picture my whole
body locking up as if I am trying to hit the brakes only to continually being
propelled forward into the future although I have my feet flexed and my heels
dug in because you cannot hit the pause button on life. When it comes to
decision-making emotions can stifle us if we let it take over. On the other
hand, positive emotions can take us the extra little bit to get us to where we
are going.
June 2013 I had a big decision to make. I heard of a great
opportunity to become an advisor at Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University. I had
always dreamed of being an advisor but never really thought about how to make
it happen. One day I was sitting at work and I learned about an opening. I
loved my job but there were things that simply were not growing me anymore.
Loyalty is a huge thing for me but at what point do you limit your potential to
help others and better yourself? I also had zero academic advising experience
and knew this was a highly prestigious organization… everyone will want this
job. There were at least one hundred applicants and the posting was pulled off
the site. I landed a phone interview and knew it was important to make a really
great first impression. I made it through that round and had to do a panel
interview with the entire graduate team. The director plus all of the advisors
added up to seven people. There were many candidates; I think maybe seven in
this round. I was the last to be scheduled.
I had a decision about how my interview would go and what I
wanted to show the graduate advising team. One of my best assets is my
personality and I went in ready to put that fully in the spotlight. Although
the odds did not seem in my favor I felt so confident about the decision to
join this organization and that I was the right candidate. Most people that I
know say they despise interviews but my attitude was really focused on being
positive. I was hopeful to have a new opportunity, enthusiastic about the
organization and what I could bring to the position, and composed because I
felt ready like all signs were pointing to this outcome. After the fact once I
received the position the grad team has told me that it was hands down the best
interview they had experienced, that it felt natural and my personality really
shown through. In their mind there was someone already selected but that I came
in and knocked it out of the park and that it was clear I would be a good fit.
I am so proud of this moment in my life. I really think that my emotions about
the decision made the difference. There is a difference between confidence and
cockiness, I just wanted to share my light, happiness and enthusiasm and this
was really everything that mattered. Professor Baba Shiv of Stanford says that
confidence matters and that it makes the difference in the fruition of our
dreams (Shiv, 2011). I completely agree.
I have had other times when I have not felt confident, but
rather quite the opposite. It is so strange what a difference a year can make.
I began my graduate studies January 2014. I am coming to the conclusion of my
sixth graduate class that began January 2015 and in a matter of days and will
officially be at the half way point… I will be “half a Master”! I have dreamed
for a long time about receiving a Master’s degree and never really thought that
it was possible. In high school I had a hard time. It was not that I was not bright;
it was just that things didn’t always click, especially with math. I almost did
not graduate from high school because of my poor math abilities. Sadly at this
time in my life “smart” was not something I heard. No one called me that. It
made me devastatingly sad. This made me feel like college was an absolute
impossibility and would be an uphill battle to try to make it. I spent the
entire summer before my freshman year playing academic trivia online and
studying the school catalog. I wanted to be prepared. My mantra is “fail to
prepare, be prepared to fail.” After my first semester at Holmes Community
College, in a different state where no one knew me and I had a fresh start, I
could not believe I earned straight A’s for the first time in my life. This
changed everything for me and I graduated with a Bachelor’s degree with honors
not too long after. The attitude and perception toward my intelligence changed
to “oh you are smart so everything is easy for you” and other endorsements of
full confidence. The world works in
strange ways. Yet I still had this unnerving idea that this was a fluke and not
a testament to my true capabilities.
When I started at ERAU the question I got asked quite often
was if I was going to start a Master’s degree and which one I would choose. I
mean, I was interested! It was not my reason for being there but it would be a
terrible waste to pass up an extraordinary opportunity. I probably would have
waited forever just sitting and merely being interested without Annamarie
Garcia. She really gave me the push I needed and sold me on the idea of the
Master of Science in Leadership. What she told me really made me believe it was
perfectly made for who I am. I am not sure I would have made this choice
without her mentorship. Actually, I am not sure I would have made a decision at
all.
Even during the application stage I felt ice cold dread that
I could not do it. I was apprehensive that I would not be able to be
successful, I felt uncertain about myself, and I felt doubtful and unprepared.
I had the great fortune that soon after I had applied and was accepted to have
a chance to meet the wonderful MSLD core group of instructors. I recall Dr.
Watkins asking what I was nervous about. The only answer I could muster was APA
and that I had only written in MLA style. I also had the great fortune of
speaking with Dr. Earnhardt, coincidentally about McAlister’s sweet tea, a
college staple when I lived in Mississippi. I was surprised he knew what that
was. From that conversation we had built a rapport and then spoke in depth
about the program. He is a terrific example of leadership and that is something
that resonated with me because that is what I try to do with my students as an
advisor and what I want to be able to give to others once I complete this
program.
I would say it was a rough take off when I began the
program, though. There was a great deal of turbulence once I began my first
class because I still had low confidence because I did not know what to expect
and how my work would be received, if it would be perceived as scholarly or
not. Because my confidence was low and I doubted myself it did not make things
easy for me or for others. I remember crying for probably the first five weeks
and I made myself miserable. When I took on the role as a student again it felt
like shock to my system and role confusion. It takes a lot of dedication to
decide that after work and on weekends this is how you want to spend your time.
There are things that have to take the back burner to make certain dreams
possible, but once again, this is a choice. I was scared all of the time. I
remember contemplating up to the very last minute of the drop deadline about
giving up. If I made that decision I would have had terrible regret. Sometimes
it is not about making the absolute, best decision. I decided I wanted to one
day receive a Master’s degree. I am not sure how I will use it or what doors it
will open for me; I think this will be a great journey to discover in the
future. The most important thing is that I envisioned the work I would need to
put into making this a good decision. If I chose to pursue a Master’s that is
only the first step. If I had made the choice but not spent the time to be
successful or was not emotionally invested and I was put on academic warning or
failed, then that it is not technically a good decision. “It’s important to
make good decisions. But I spend much less time and energy worrying about
“making the right decision” and much more time and energy ensuring that any decision
I make turns out right” McNealy’s work (as cited in Batista, 2014, para. 2).
Anna, Emily, Brian, and Dr. Earnhardt were a big part of
making a good decision to keep going despite my emotional state. I needed to be
calmed down so that I did not make a rash decision after one week to quit. Shiv
(2011) states that low confidence translates to high-maintenance clients. That
was me for sure! It takes a village to raise a grad student! It was an
invaluable experience that maybe I need to go through as part of my
metamorphosis. After a year’s worth of hard work and success I feel completely
different now. I feel a new confidence that I have never had before about my
future and my dreams. I have discovered
a lot about who I am and what I want, have grown in unexpected ways, and found
passions that I want to pursue. I would love to have the opportunity to be an
instructor and also to write. I have found that I am passionate about writing
and storytelling. I also have a great interest in mentoring others and also
creating environments that fosters a culture that is interested in uplifting
others. In my opinion this is the best way to reach success. I have seen injustice
in the workplace, this happened to our older package delivery driver years ago,
and I want to give a voice to others and see through a vision of a just, fair
workforce. Maybe some would say it is a naïve dream, but I think that it is one
of the things that can make a great difference in the world.
When I recognize the
same manic, meltdown mode in my students and others who are beginning their
program I feel compelled to share my story and provide reassurance to persevere
even when you feel so lost and hopeless. “There is now a growing body of
evidence that affect and emotions play an important role in people’s decision
processes for choices when there are uncertain outcomes” (Hoch, Kunreuther
& Gunther, 2001, p. 269). I am never certain that everyone will make it
through their programs and graduate. There is a lot that happens behind the
scenes. Sometimes life gets in the way, sometimes we let it. Sometimes we
decide to give up. The one thing I am certain about is that if we give up, if
we choose to quit, then we will never make it. Sometimes you need that voice
that says to keep going, just one more day, one more week, or one more class. Leadership
is not about building yourself up and then going on your way to leave others in
the dust. It is about paying forward the gift of mentorship others have given
to you, among the many other wonderful things that leadership embodies. Emotions
like doubt can torpedo a dream into oblivion or emotions such as hope can make
you feel unstoppable. The true test is finding how to tame them before we come
unraveled.
References:
Batista, E. (2013, November 8). Stop Worrying About Making the
Right Decision. Retrieved March 15, 2015, from
https://hbr.org/2013/11/stop-worrying-about-making-the-right-decision/
Hoch, S., Kunreuther, H., & Gunther, R. (2001). Wharton on making decisions. John Wiley
& Sons, Inc.
Shiv, B. (2011, November 7). Brain
Research at Stanford: Decision Making. Retrieved March 12, 2015, from
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WRKfl4owWKc
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